Having a child is bringing up a lot of things from my own childhood. I expected this. When I taught children's yoga, this happened a lot too. I was grateful for it then because I felt it was preparing me for having my own children. It's a grand purification...
:: BEFORE PURIFICATION, THE MESS ::
The mind is a messy place. There is so much there. So much that we are aware of, but so much more that we bury, or that we didn't even notice we kept there in the first place. The Grand Subconscious. The Even Grander Unconscious.
The thing about Western psychology is that it is the study of how interesting this mess is. I recently read an article in Scientific American that had evidence that talking about our problems actually makes them bigger. Because the more we discuss the past the more it plays through our mind and gets reinvented. Our memories are actually not that good. We re-invent the past each time to talk about it. In other words, talk therapy can make our issues worse.
I grew up on a lot of talk.
On the one hand, it made me incredibly adept at identifying my feelings. I think it's important to be able to articulate what is bothering us. On the other hand, it made me create stories about why I am the way I am and who to blame for it.
So: not healthy.
Now that I am raising a son, I see things in myself that I don't like. And the blame rises.
:: HUGGING LITTLE ME ::
There are reasons behind the way I am. That is my journey. I'm realizing that everyone in my life is and has been a fallible human being—just like me.
Being a mom is helping me forgive my mother. And watching my husband be a new dad is helping me forgive my father.
And watching my son—this HUGE soul in this TINY body—trying to navigate this crazy world, is teaching me about my own journey through life.
:: KARMA ::
Because without forgiveness, we just collect more and more baggage. More and more subconscious junk, which colors everything we do without us realizing it. And then we create more junk.
In yogic terms, KARMA.
The first step is forgiving myself.
This journey of being a mother is like the fast track to clearing or accumulating more karma. There is another soul on the line. And I have to be very mindful.
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